welcoming the waiting

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5) 

114 days. As I sit in the comfort of my freshly cleaned room with candles burning, listening to a podcast and typing this blog post, I have 114 days until I head out on the incredible and terrifying journey the Lord has called me to in South Africa. That means 114 days of still being home. That means 114 days of preparing, boredom, working, busyness, routine, wonder, interactions, and the day to day same old same old.  That means 114 days of waiting. And that is a whole lot of waiting…  

And as much as I hate waiting, there is learning, growing and so much to be found here.  

When I first applied for this trip it was drawing near to the end of my senior year of high school. Life could not have been better. I was looking forward with excitement to graduation, prom, all the senior lasts, summer camp, Careweek, vacations, short term mission trips, being with all my best friends and all God was going to do in this time of transition. And let me tell you, as always God did not disappoint! A summer of freedom, laughter, tears, joy, learning, “see ya laters“, priceless memories, firsts and lasts, experiencing Him in new ways and having the privilege of teaching His truth overseas for the first time. He was so good in providing, even as there were a lot of battles I was facing during these warm months. But when I returned home from being in Nassau and to the reality that is this broken world, things changed. Let me make this clear, my circumstances changed, my God did not.  

Spiritual warfare is a real thing. A really real thing. I have never experienced it as much as I did the first month back in the states. My team and I came to one another with request after request to be drenched in prayer as the Enemy fought to destroy the work the Lord has done in us when we were on mission. Sick family members, anxiety attacks wreaking havoc on physical bodies, despising being home, doubts of truth, the passing of pets, leaving for college, natural disasters, overwhelming stress, paralyzing weariness, broken relationships… you name it, the Devil tried it. He tried his hardest. But there is victory to be found in pressing on in the face of hardships while proclaiming the name of Jesus.  

I wish I could write this blog post and say that I am on the other side of all this. I wish I could say that I have made it out of the wilderness and now stand, both feet planted in the land flowing of milk and honey. But that is just not the truth. I am still fighting the good fight. Although Jesus has given freedom, peace and has won some of the battles, everyday a different war continues to wage on.  

Right now, life is not easy. And the purpose of writing this was not to gain sympathy or pity but to share my heart and the struggles no one talks about enough with going and striving to be obedient. This is honesty. This is vulnerability. In this season I am battling doubts, loneliness, wresting with God, putting His will above my own, anxieties, unforeseen and hard changes, complacency, trusting Him to provide financially, healing of a broken heart, and a thousand other things Satan throws my way within a given day. Every morning is a process of securing myself in the promises of God to get me through the day. I recently read a quote that said, “Today I woke up and consumed scripture because it’s hard for the truth to set me free if I don’t know it” (Shelly Giglio). Yup, that’s a truth bomb friends.  

I have heard the words “God is in control” a trillion times in my church kid life. But living day to day and moment by moment like you believe God is in control is a different thing. To surrender your worries and the weight of this life at the foot of the cross and leave it there. To let a wound heal by not touching it. To trust that with each tear cried out in the midst of the pain, knowing there will be another one cried later in praise. To stop picking up the things you placed in God’s hands. That’s living like you know and believe His will belongs above your own.  

And even in this season of dealing with all this tough stuff, my praises ring louder than they have in a long time. I am not yet to the other side, but I know that these things are making me more like my Jesus. Preparing me for more. Readying me for what’s to come. Rooting me deeper in truth. Drawing me closer to His heart. I don’t know what my God has for me, but I know it will be worth it. I am continuing to trust, to seek Him more and to gladly drink from the cup the Lord has given me.  

So here I am, 114 days away and with open arms, welcoming the waiting.